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Self Sabotaging Spiral

Self harming isn’t always cutting oneself. Never in my life have I cut myself. Well, on purpose. I’ve cut myself plenty of times by accident. So many depressed people have scars, whether they show them or not. Sometimes it almost feels as though I’m faking, as though I’m not really as depressed as I feel, because I don’t self-harm. Not every person with depression fits into the same mould however. It would be silly to think that I should automatically fit into the hollywood-ised mould of cutting myself, when that’s not all there is.

Most depressed people harm themselves. It’s self-destructive behaviour which they may not necessarily do on purpose. It’s not always cutting yourself. Sometimes it’s as simple as staying up late when you have to wake up early. Eating when you’re not hungry, or not eating. We all utilise different forms of self harm that sabotage ourselves in different ways. It can often be a spiral of self sabotage.

In my case, I’m currently eating more than I should. I feel full, but I continue eating, because eating gives me some form of release. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s bad, and that I’m hurting work that I’ve put in to lose weight. It’s so hard to stop, though. It’s almost a form of punishment. I feel like shit, so this is how I will punish myself.

That’s not all. I have tried sleeping schedules in the past. They’ve helped a little, if not a lot. What I used to use most was waking up the same time each day. However the worse I feel mentally, the more likely I’m going to reach over and turn my alarm off. At the moment, I’ve turned my alarms off entirely because getting out of bed is so hard, there’s no way I’ll be able to do it on command.

The other day I had a few drinks. By a few, I mean I had 6 cans of Little Fat Lamb cider. The next day was spent half lying down, half on the toilet emptying my stomach of any acid it had the audacity to keep within it. I tried to eat some dry toast around midday, not having much else that would be good for an upset stomach. I didn’t even manage to eat half of the slice I made myself, or drink half a bottle of water, for most of the day. It wasn’t until around 7pm that I finally managed a whole slice of toast, and almost a bottle of water. Alcohol poisoning is not a fun experience.

All this past week, I have been feeling useless and helpless. I mentioned in my previous blog my current experiences with centrelink which aren’t helping matters. There’s also the lack of jobs that seem available for what I want to do. It doesn’t help that those few jobs that do exist all seem to want people more experienced. Even those open for the new to the workforce are likely to accept someone with experience over me. I’m already racking up disheartening rejections, which doesn’t exactly do much for my mental health state.

There are so many things I could do right now which could make me feel better. Attending my graduation ceremony today. Going out for drinks with some friends from uni afterwards instead. Going to my friends’ place to play games or watch things and just hang out aimlessly. Unfortunately, all of those things require money which I simply do not have. What I could do instead, those things that I find enjoyable which requires no money, are sadly driving me crazy. I’ve been playing a lot of games lately. A lot of Overwatch, and Monster Hunter World in particular. Both these games can become very bad to play when you’re not in a good mood.

While I love Overwatch, and enjoy playing it with my friends, there are a lot of toxic people who play it. Whether on my team or the enemy team, it can become highly demoralising when someone starts abusing you… Before I started drinking on Wednesday night, I was playing a game with some friends, and we had one random on our team. I was doing what I could as a Reinhardt, trying to shield my team. Yet there were times when I needed to try to just get on point so that we wouldn’t lose it. At which point our random teammate started abusing me in chat, calling me the “worst Reinhardt” for “just charging in there”.

Another game, a few days later, we had a six-stack, and went up against another six-stack which completely rolled us. We tried to counter them, unfortunately when you lose a point as quickly as that, it’s easy to become demoralised, and tilted, and not do your best. The enemy team basically just laughed at us.

You can be trying your hardest, but still lose. It’s very much the type of game where the more you lose, the more demoralised you get, and the worse you do. Being in an already low mood makes losing all that much harder on me right now, unfortunately.

The same goes for Monster Hunter World, a game which can be quite difficult. It doesn’t help that while I like playing games, I’m hardly the best player in the world. I’ll never be the top player of any game, or able to do any speed runs. There are some (supposedly simple) games which I’m currently trying to play, but unable to figure out how to proceed. Which gets frustrating.

With Monster Hunter World, you’re up against monsters. The other week I was playing by myself up against a ratholos. Technically, I was playing with friends. Unfortunately, however, they were unable to join my quest because I hadn’t seen all the cutscenes. If I had pulled out of the expedition and started a new quest, they would have been able to join. Of course, I didn’t really realise that until I had already done what felt like a fair amount of damage. Besides, in an expedition I had as many faints as I needed.

Then, after many faints, and lots of frustration. After I had cut off the ratholos’s tail, and broken several other pieces of it. When it had to have been close to being ready to capture. It left the area. Meaning I would have to start again from the top with a new one.

I almost wanted to uninstall the game after that.

Thankfully, in the next few days, with my friends’ help, I managed to defeat it. Now a ratholos is one monster I can more or less handle by myself if I need to. (I don’t even want to think about the azure ratholos fights coming up.)

Apart from games, I have other entertainment options of reading a book, of watching something, or playing a different game. Unfortunately, reading can be hard when I crave some form of activity where I’m doing something. Watching something has a similar problem, along with a second that is shared by my difficulty in playing a different game.

There are so many options. There are entire libraries of movies and TV shows to watch. I have so much to watch which I’m behind in. And so many games to possibly play. It is so hard to choose when there’s such a large number of things to choose from.

It’s all too easy to sit in this self sabotaging spiral I’m in, staring at games I could be playing, or things I could be watching, and instead of doing anything, just keep staring. It’s too easy to want to curl up in bed and do nothing instead of something.

Life with depression can be very hard. I applaud all of you out there who are currently doing your best and keeping on going in spite of how hard your own self makes it.

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